it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
