My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
