Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
