If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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