I wanna bring you to show and tell
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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