I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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