I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize