Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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