just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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