Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
