I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
