apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
