I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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