They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
