I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
