you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
