youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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