I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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