The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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