I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
