I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
