Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
