If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
