a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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