I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
handjob tips. give me some.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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