i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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