First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
