I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
