im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
