How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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