Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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