in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
