Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
you made out with another girl for some wings
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
