no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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