I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
