Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I think people are normalizing furries
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
