He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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