I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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