Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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