I just pynch a tree in the face
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
