I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
