Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize