you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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