Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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