I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
