After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
