Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
