Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize