I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
