I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize