I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
