i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
