They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
