He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
