Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
